Witch One Did It?

I made it to Round 2 of the NYC Midnight Screenwriting Challenge. My assignment? An 8-page mystery with a vandalism and the mayor as one of the characters. This is my interpretation of the challenge.

Disclaimer: Transferring from my script writing software to the blog is horrible on formatting, so apologies!

Witch One Did It?

When Sheriff Dan Foster receives a call that someone committed vandalism and witchcraft on the mayor’s property, he must use his investigative skills to solve the crime.



A man and woman are asleep in a king-sized bed when a cell phone on the nightstand buzzes. The sound rouses DAN FOSTER, an older man with gray hair and a tanned face etched with too many lines for his age. He grabs the phone, looks at the screen, then answers it.


Sheriff Foster here. This better be worth waking me up on my day off, Deputy, or your ass will be patrolling the road to the dump for the next month.

Dan listens to the caller. He sits up and rubs his hand over the stubble on his chin and sighs.


Witchcraft? Tell the mayor I’ll be there in fifteen.

Dan sets the phone down. He turns on the lamp next to him and picks up the pair of pants he had dropped on the floor the night before and pulls them on.


Dan pulls his cruiser up to the house. MAYOR SHANTWELL, a balding man in his early sixties with a slight paunch, stands on the steps. The mayor has a bathrobe tied tightly around his waist and old, paint-splattered sneakers on his feet.

JOSIE WHITAKER, a tall woman wearing jeans and a Grateful Dead t-shirt, stands off to the side with her arms crossed.

Dan steps out of his car and walks over to them. Mayor Shantwell looks pointedly at his expensive watch.



About damn time you got here, Dan. I want that woman arrested.

The mayor stabs his finger towards Josie.



What did she do this time? The mayor’s face darkens with anger.



What did she do? She not only vandalized my property, but she put a curse on me, too. The Bible says thou shalt not suffer a witch to live, and it was talking about her! This town doesn’t need her or her granola-eating cronies.

Josie uncrosses her arms and takes a step towards the mayor.


Listen, you pompous little toad! This isn’t the Dark Ages, and no one did jack shit to you! I want you to arrest him for being a stain upon humanity and Mother Earth!

Dan steps between Josie and the mayor. He puts his hands up to stop them from moving closer to each other.


Both of you calm down. I’m not arresting anyone until I find out what happened.

(turns to Mayor Shantwell)

You tell me what’s going on.

Mayor Shantwell gives Josie a triumphant look.


I woke up around 5:30. I like to take a morning swim, so I walked outside to turn on the pool heater. That’s when I saw the Satanic mumbo jumbo. She painted a pentagram on my new pool house! She’s cursed me!

Dan holds up his hand to stop Mayor Shantwell from saying anything else.


Satanic symbol? Did you actually see Josie paint it? Was anyone else at home?



That woman and her dilapidated shack are a menace to this town. She and her kind need to go.



Are you going to take care of this, Dan, or do I need to endorse another candidate for sheriff come fall?


My kind? You mean organic farmers? Beekeepers? Or women in general? Which is it, Shantwell?


I was on my property feeding my chickens when you buffaloed your way through, trampled my herbs, and called me a witch. I’ll sue you for defamation of character!

The mayor sputters again and clenches his fists, but Dan pulls him aside before he can do anything else.


Show me the damage.

Mayor Shantwell gives one last glare at Josie before turning and walking towards his backyard.


Dan and the mayor walk to the huge swimming pool and pool house. Behind the pool house is a line of oak trees.

Dan looks around at the extensive landscaping. Shrubs are precisely trimmed. The lawn is a lush, almost unnatural, green. There are no weeds visible to the naked eye. PHILIP, a young man in a blue work uniform is trimming the hedges. The mayor stops at the back of the pool house. There is a crudely sprayed black pentagram on it. The mayor gives Dan a triumphant look.


As you can see, that woman spray- painted my pool house with the symbol of Satan. She did that, too.

The mayor turns and gestures to the row of trees behind him. Small, white objects swing from the branches.


Witchcraft! What are you going to do about it?


Now, hold on. Anyone else around who might have seen anything? Your wife? The gardener?

Dan nods toward Philip who has been moving closer to the two of them while they spoke.


(shaking his head)

Wife’s been out of town for weeks. She’s visiting some ashram trying to find herself or some other foolishness. Philip got here right after I discovered the damage. He’s a good kid. Punctual. I gave him a job when his daddy died last year. I’m telling you it was Josie Whitaker.

Dan leaves the mayor’s side and walks over to Philip.


Hello, Philip. The mayor tells me you got here early this morning. Did you see anyone or anything?



N-no, sir. I d-didn’t see anything. Miss Whitaker was outside feeding her chickens.

(leans in and whispers)

But I don’t think Miss Whitaker d- did it. She’s a n-nice woman.


Beyond the trees is a woven wire fence that surrounds an old farmhouse with peeling paint. There is a small field filled with vegetables and herbs. Beehives line one side of the field. Chickens with funny tufts of feathers at their neckline peck along the fence.

Dan walks over to the hanging objects. This close, he sees they are white eggs with small stick figures wrapped and hung with twine. Dan looks closely at each of them. He walks to the fence and gazes at the farmhouse. After a moment, he squats down and grabs a handful of grass and holds it through the fence to a hen. She snatches it from his hand. Dan puts a few pieces of grass into his pocket then stands.

Dan returns to the mayor.


I think I’ve got all I need from here, sir. Can you tell me why you think Josie is behind this?



That fence beyond my trees marks my property line as well as the town limits.

The mayor points to the fence.


She’s pissed off because the council wants to incorporate her farm and the surrounding properties into the town limits. That will change the zoning from agricultural to residential. Great opportunities for new subdivisions with HOAs.

Bigger tax base means growth.


(nods slowly)

She won’t be able to have her chickens or beehives. Don’t you own the land to the west of her property, too?

The mayor gestures for Dan to walk with him back to the house.


I do.


Dan, you have to have vision as a leader. Cedar’s Edge might be a small town now, but it could become a bedroom community for the city.

Bigger and better. It will be great. It could mean new patrol cars and officers for you.

Dan doesn’t respond to the mayor’s thinly-veiled hint. Instead, he looks down at the grass.


You’ve got a really nice lawn.

The mayor beams with pride.


It’s the special fertilizer and weed killer mixture I use. I’d be happy to mix you up a batch.


Hmmm. Probably not good for organic produce or bees.


Listen, I sure could use a cup of coffee while I figure out my next step.


Sure. Come on into the house, Dan.


The kitchen is a gleaming testament to a designer’s dream of modernism from the stainless steel appliances to the white marble counter tops and black cabinets. It’s spotless.

The mayor opens a cupboard and grabs two black coffee mugs. A state-of-the-art coffee machine sits on the counter. The mayor pushes a few buttons, and moments later, he hands Dan a mug of hot coffee.


You have any creamer or milk?

The mayor gestures towards the refrigerator. Dan opens it and looks around the nearly empty interior. He pulls out a small carton of creamer and places it on the counter, a hint of a smile on his face. Checking to make sure the mayor can’t see, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tuft of grass.


Oh, hell. I’ve got grass on my pants. I don’t want to track it all over your house. Where’s your trash?


In that tall cabinet to your left. The maid comes today, so no worries about the floor. She’s paid good money to clean it.

Dan opens the indicated cabinet where he sees a stainless steel trash can. Popping it open, he looks in, then he drops the grass into it.


I won’t be pressing charges against Josie.

The mayor slams his cup down on the counter.


Josie Whitaker and her farm are a thorn in my side. If you won’t do it, I’ll find someone who will.


You don’t want to do that. You wouldn’t want the truth about today to come to the attention of the rest of the town, would you?


Dan and Josie walk to Dan’s car. Josie turns and shakes his hand.


For just a moment, I thought I was going to jail.


My wife would make me sleep outside for a month. She loves that herbal tea mixture she gets from you.

Helps her insomnia better than those pills from Doc Calvert.


Sometimes the old ways are more effective than the new. Tell Anna to come see me on Saturday at the farmer’s market for a new batch.

Josie starts to leave, but she hesitates. She turns back to Dan.


I don’t get it. How did you know I didn’t do it? The mayor’s a powerful, wealthy man who runs the show, and I’m…well, I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.


I never assume guilt or innocence based upon a person’s income or lifestyle.



You’re no more a witch than I am. I know you love your herbal remedies and organic produce, but that makes you more of a hippie than a witch.



It still doesn’t explain how you knew it was the mayor.


(holding up three fingers) One, he was fully dressed under his robe and had his watch on despite saying he swims first thing. Two, I spotted black paint on his shoes.

Three, the eggs were white.



Ah. My flock of chickens saves me from the slammer.

Dan laughs.


Your Aracauana chickens only lay blue and green eggs, not white. His refrigerator contained creamer and a takeout container of Chinese food. Nothing else, not even condiments, yet he had an empty egg carton on top of the trash.


Why frame me?


Your farm stands in the way of progress as far as he’s concerned. He wanted to discredit you in front of the town council to push through his expansion and rezoning plan.

Dan opens his car door but stops and turns back to Josie.


I guess you can take the lawman from the farm, but you can’t take the farm from the lawman.


 818 total views

Find Her

To get my writing back on track, I signed up for NYC Midnight’s Screenwriting challenge. Unlike fiction, if the camera can’t see it, you don’t write it. I find it a nice change of pace to participate. As always with NYC Midnight, they provide the genre, etc. This time my draw was ghost story/maternal/mortician.

Find Her

When Nina brings a memorial diamond into the Death Museum, Percy knows she needs to investigate the mysterious happenings that are tied to the jewel.



NINA DAVIS stands outside an old Victorian home with faded shutters and paint that is starting to peel. A large black sign with white lettering rests atop the door announcing Death Museum – Open Mon-Sat 11 a.m. – 8 p.m.

Nina opens her purse and pulls out a black velvet bag. She clutches it tightly before opening the door to the museum. A small bell jangles as the door opens and closes.


PERSEPHONE “PERCY” ALLEN, owner and operator of the museum sits behind an antique desk reading Medieval Funeral Practices. She looks up as Nina enters.


Good afternoon. Welcome to the one and only Death Museum, home to the commonplace, the bizarre, and the eclectic. We have artifacts related to death and funerals with an occasional nod to Spiritualism thrown in for good measure. Tickets are ten dollars and tours are self- guided. Ticket for one?

Nina looks around furtively. No one else is in the museum.


Are you Persephone Allen? I need your help.


Certainly. We strive for excellent customer service here at the Death-


Listen, I’m not here about the museum. I need your professional expertise. A friend told me Persephone Allen is the closest thing to an expert on the supernatural and occult in the area. Is that you?

Percy straightens up at the compliment and looks pleased.


An expert, huh? Yeah. I know things. Growing up in a funeral home fostered an unhealthy preoccupation with things that might go bump in the night. I go by Percy, by the way, not Persephone. The whole goddess of the underworld moniker tends to scare off prospective boyfriends. And you are?

Nina thrusts the velvet bag at Percy.


Nina Davis. Here. I picked this up at a flea market. Even though it isn’t exactly my taste, I felt oddly compelled to buy it. Ever since…well, strange things have been happening at my house.

Percy takes the bag from Nina. She opens it and a diamond solitaire necklace in a dramatic white gold setting drops into her hand. She picks up the diamond and holds it up to the light.



Hold on. I need to grab something.

Percy opens a drawer and pulls out a jeweler’s loupe. She picks up the necklace and looks at it closely with the loupe.


Hmmm…just what I thought. (Percy removes the loupe and looks at Nina)

The diamond in this necklace is made from cremains.

Nina steps back from the desk, a look of revulsion on her face.


Are you kidding me? I’ve had a dead person’s ashes hanging from my neck? I think I’m going to be sick!

Nina makes a small gagging noise. Percy, looking amused, nudges the trash can next to her desk closer to Nina.


It’s really not a dead person anymore. It’s a manufactured diamond. The difference between memorial diamonds and other manufactured gems is the carbon for this one comes from a loved one’s ashes.


But why? Why would someone turn their loved one into a necklace? Why not just bury them like a normal person?

Percy chuckles and walks out from behind the desk to stand next to Nina.


Why? Personally, I think it’s sweet and smart. You have grandma made into a necklace, then you don’t feel obligated to place flowers at her grave every holiday. No worries about vandals on Halloween, or concerns about the cemetery being relocated for a new strip mall.


I guess. It seems weird to me, but now that you put it like that, I can see why it might appeal to someone. Can I ask you a question? Why a death museum? It seems an odd choice for a…for a…


For a girl? Well, this used to be our funeral home business. We lived upstairs. I went to school to be a mortician and was all set to take over when one of those chain funeral homes opened up a few miles from here. Fancy coffins, fancy hearses, we couldn’t compete. Dad died a few years ago, and mom decided to pack up and move to Florida. Gave the business over to me, and I decided a death museum would be more profitable and fun.


Interesting lateral career move.


Anyway,enough about me. You said strange things have been happening since you bought this necklace?



Doors opening and closing on their own. Whispering. My mother keeps staring at the corner of her bed and carrying on a conversation with someone who isn’t there. She’s only sixty-five and until now, I thought she still had all her faculties even after her stroke. Now, I’m not so sure. It all started the night I brought the necklace home.


Are you doing anything this evening? I’d like to bring some equipment with me and observe what’s going on in your home if that’s okay with you? I can come by right after the museum closes.

Nina hesitates.


No charge. I’m dying to see if you have an actual artifact haunting.


Sorry. No pun intended.


Okay, but haunted or not, I definitely want to rid myself of this necklace now that I know it’s a dead person.



Percy, Nina, and Nina’s mother, GLADYS, sit in the living room. It is filled with chintz-covered chairs and an overstuffed sofa in a hideous pattern of red and green plaid. Victorian-style lamps do little to light the room. Several china statues of English Springer Spaniels dot the room on various small tables. It looks dark and oppressive.

The velvet bag containing the diamond necklace is in the center of a large coffee table that dominates the space between the chairs and sofa.

Percy looks around and spots a stuffed fox with a duck in its mouth. A mounted elk head stares down at the assembled women. Percy shudders. Nina notices and gives a small smile of understanding.


Thanks for coming. As you can see, my dad was quite the enthusiastic hunter. He would hunt anything as long as it moved.


Yes, Everett loved hunting things. Why I remember back when we were first married, he took me hunting for small prey. Like scared rabbits. It was quite the honeymoon.

Nina rolls her eyes at Percy.


Daddy was always a romantic. Are you okay to get yourself ready for bed or do you need my help?

Nina touches her mother’s arm.


(slaps Nina’s hand away) Don’t fuss.

Gladys stands up and wobbles a little. Nina leaps to her feet and pulls a walker from the corner. She makes sure her mother has a tight grip on it. Gladys slowly makes her way out of the living room and down the darkened hallway.


Your mother doesn’t seem like she’s suffering from dementia, but I’m not a doctor. You say that she talks to someone at night?


Yes. At 8:42 every evening, everything starts going crazy here in the house.

Nina picks up the velvet bag and pulls the necklace out. She lays it in the center of the table.


If it’s okay with you, I want to get my recorder and cameras out and ready to go before the witching hour of 8:42.

Percy pulls out a digital recorder and a video camera from a bag she has at her feet. Percy starts the digital recorder and sets it in the middle of the table by the necklace.

The door on the far side of the living room slowly creaks open. Percy’s eyes widen and she whips the camera up to start recording.


(checks her watch)

8:42 exactly. If nothing else, our ghost is punctual.


Yeah. I hate a haunting that starts late.

Percy leans down to make sure the recorder is on.


Is anyone here with us tonight? (Waits a moment)

Anyone here who wishes to speak to us? Someone who is tied to this necklace?

The door slams shut so hard that one of the china spaniels falls to the ground and shatters.


(frightened) It’s here.

Percy gives her a wide smile and a thumb’s up. She aims her camera at the closed door and walks towards it.


You’ve got my attention. Why are you here?

Air ruffles Percy’s hair. She reaches out to smooth it down, but jerks her hand back.


What’s wrong?

Nina’s breath comes out in smoky puffs because the temperature has dropped rapidly.



Nothing. I just thought I felt someone touching me.

A murmur of voices comes from the hallway. It is clearly two voices. One of them is Gladys’s. The other voice is clearly masculine.



Nina scurries up from her seat and dashes down the hallway towards her mother’s room. Percy is close behind her with the camera in her hand.


Nina grabs the doorknob to open the door. She screams and pulls her hand back. An angry red blister in the shape of the handle is branded on her palm. She bangs on the door.


Mama! Let me in!

Percy comes up behind her. She puts the camera down.


Let me try.

Percy knocks on the door then grabs the doorknob. It doesn’t turn. She slams her shoulder against the door. It crashes open as if it was never closed. Percy tumbles to the ground.


Gladys sits in her bed under the covers. She turns and gives Percy a ghastly smile.


Hello, dear. Are you one of Everett’s girls? He does like them young and pretty.

Gladys turns back to look at the end of the bed. Her eyes roll back in her head then turn a milky white.


Everett, I told you not to bring them to the house.



Home and play should always be separate. You promised. Think of Nina.

A horrifying man’s laugh echoes loudly across the room. The lights flicker. An unseen hand pushes Percy backwards. She tumbles out of the door into Nina. The door slams shut. Nina and Percy stand up, but despite repeated efforts, they are unable to reopen the door.


I don’t know how to say this, but your mom seemed to be talking to the ghost of your father. He didn’t seem like a friendly ghost at all. Are you sure that everything started when you brought the necklace home?


Definitely. My father died six months ago. I moved back home to take care of my mom two months ago after her stroke. As far as I know, nothing weird happened until I bought the necklace. If it had, I honestly wouldn’t know. I haven’t been home in a long time. Things between my parents and me were…well, strained.

The door at the end of the hallway opens. A set of stairs is visible.


(whispering) Follow me.

Percy picks up her discarded video camera and walks down the hallway to the open door. She turns back to look at Nina.


What’s up here?


It’s the attic. I wasn’t allowed up there. It’s where my dad kept his guns. He whipped me with a belt the one time I disobeyed him. I haven’t been up in the attic since I was eight.

Percy slowly walks through the door and starts up the stairs. Nina reluctantly follows.


Nina reaches up and pulls a chain. A single bulb illuminates the space. The attic is dusty and filled with boxes, old furniture, and several gun safes. A mouse scurries out from a box overflowing with papers.


Find her.

A breeze ripples the papers and scatters them across the attic. Several newspaper clippings now litter the floor.


Find who? Who do you want us to find?


Find her.


This is freaking me out. I’m getting Mom and taking her to a hotel room for the night. Take the necklace. I don’t need to know what’s going on. I just want it to stop.

Nina turns to leave, but a dark mass forms in the air and flies across the room. It enters Nina’s body through her mouth and nose. Nina, no longer in control of her body, turns stiffly and points to one of the newspaper clippings that has landed at Percy’s feet.

Percy leans down and picks it up. She reads the clipping.


Oh, shit! You need to see this.

Nina’s eyes are wide and unblinking. She opens her mouth to speak, but instead emits a gut-wrenching scream. The black mass flies out of her body. For a moment, it becomes the shape of an older woman with a kind face. Tears run down her cheeks. She points to the corner.

Nina goes silent and collapses to the ground. She begins to sob.

Percy runs over to Nina and drops to the ground next to her.


Nina? What’s wrong? What’s going on?

Nina doesn’t speak. Instead, she crawls over to a large green military footlocker in the corner where the ghost had pointed. The name Davis is stenciled on the outside. She fumbles to open it, but it’s padlocked.

Nina drags herself up and grabs a golf club from a set laying nearby. She hammers at the lock with the club.



You son of a bitch. You sorry worthless son of a bitch. I knew it. I knew you were evil.

Percy grabs the club from Nina. Percy lifts it and gives the lock a hard whack. The lock breaks. Percy slowly opens the lid.



Two police cars are parked outside on the street with their blue lights flashing. A coroner’s van is in the yard. An ambulance is parked in the driveway. Crime scene tape is strung across the yard preventing nosy, pajama-clad neighbors from moving in for a closer look.

Two EMTs roll a gurney out the front door with the sheet pulled up over the body. They load it into the ambulance.

Nina sees the gurney and lets out a small sob. Percy huddles by Nina.

DETECTIVE JON STABLE stands next to the women, a notepad in his hand.

The three of them watch as a second gurney is trundled out of the house with a black body bag on top.


Miss Davis, you had no idea there was a dead body in your attic all these years?

Nina shudders and Percy gives her a reassuring pat on the shoulder.


No. I left home the day I graduated from high school. To be honest, I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents.



When I lived at home, I wasn’t allowed in the attic because my father stored his guns there.

He jots a few words.


And what made you want to open the trunk on a Saturday night after all these years? Any reason you went snooping around?

Nina opens her mouth then shuts it.


Actually, it was my idea. I run the Death Museum here in town. You’ve heard of it, right?

The detective curls his lip in distaste. He nods.


Nina thought her dad might have collected a few artifacts when he was stationed overseas with the military. She invited me to come over and go through stuff.

The detective raises a brow in skepticism. He snaps his notepad shut.


I guess that’s all I need to know for now. I’ll need you both down at the station tomorrow morning at eight sharp to make a formal statement. Miss Davis, my condolences. The shock of a corpse in the house must have been too much for her heart.



Nina walks in and drops the black velvet bag onto Percy’s desk.


You keep it. I never want to see it again.

Percy opens up the bag and pulls the necklace out. She lays it on top of her desk.


I saw everything. It was like a movie inside of my mind. My father. The girl. The horrible things he did to her. The worst thing is my mother knew. She knew and let it happen.

Nina covers her face with her hands.


You need to see something.

Percy opens the desk drawer and pulls out a yellow scrap of newspaper and hands it to Nina.



Twenty-five-year-old Amber Whitaker went missing Saturday night after finishing her shift as a bartender at Faster Pussycat at eight o’clock. Reported missing by her roommate when she failed to return to their apartment after three days, Miss Whitaker was last seen wearing blue jean shorts, a cropped red top, and white cowboy boots.

Her father said, “Amber wears a piece of her mama around her neck. It’s her good luck charm. I’m hoping her mama’s spirit will help bring my little girl home.”

Nina looks at the photograph that accompanies the article.


Oh my god! It’s the necklace! How in the world did it end up at a flea market?

Percy picks up the necklace and lets it spin in the sunlight shining through the front window.


There are more things in heaven and earth, Nina.


 624 total views


I’m competing in NYC Midnight’s Short Story Challenge again this year. You have one week to write a short story (2500 words) on a topic they provide. This year I was given crime caper, setting was funeral home, and character is chocolatier. This seemed perfect for Phee and Juliet to tackle since they had just been on a crime caper with Nellie Jo to dispose of Mike’s ashes.

Double-dipped Disaster

“Nellie Jo told me how you helped her out with Mike’s body down in Louisiana,” Chantal said. She pronounced it loozy anna.

“Did she also tell you we almost got killed trying to dump Mike’s ashes in the bayou?” I grimaced at the memory of the alligator that had almost made me into its dinner. “I’m a librarian, not a detective. If I’ve happened to stumble over a dead body or two in the course of retrieving a few overdue library books, it was more a case of bad luck than crime solving.”

“Please, Phee, I don’t know who else to ask. I just need you to get that recipe book before they bury Uncle Henri,” Chantal pleaded, tears threatening to fall. “It’s my legacy, and Carl had no right to take it. The funeral is tomorrow morning. I’m out of options.”  

My gut told me to walk away and hope she could find somebody else to help her, but my marshmallow heart was toast. “Fine. I’ll help, but only if Juliet agrees. I’m not breaking into Nash and Slaw’s on my own.”

Chantal wiped her eyes with a tissue and smiled. “Thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate this. I’ve been pacing the floor like a caged panther trying to figure out another way. If Carl wasn’t such a snake who has my mama fooled six ways to Sunday…well, I say never trust a man who goes sockless with leather loafers. He thinks me going into the chocolate business is a waste of time and money, and now Mama agrees with him. Uncle Henri left me that money to continue his chocolate shop. The recipes in that book are my family’s heritage. Carl thinks it all needs to be buried and forgotten because Uncle Henri was Daddy’s brother. Carl wants to take my inheritance and invest it in something safe. Safely in his pockets, I’m sure.”

After Chantal left, I called Juliet. She agreed to meet me at Odd Couple’s Diner after she finished teaching her last yoga class. I spent the rest of the day cataloging books and researching how many years I would serve in prison for breaking into a funeral home.

 When I got to the diner, Juliet was already seated in a corner booth. Tall and slim, no one would ever guess she was my sister. Juliet’s blonde hair would have made Goldilocks envious. I was short and fluffy with red hair. Fortunately, I had inherited the brains.  

I waited until our food arrived before I gave her the lowdown. Juliet operates better after she’s eaten a double order of fries and a chocolate cherry shake. I stuck with my oh-so-tasty house salad.

“Chantal needs us to take the book and replace it with a fake,” I said, pushing a limp lettuce leaf around in an oily substance with flecks of oregano in it.

“So why do we have to put a fake one in its place? How will they ever know? It’ll be buried six feet under. Unless Henri comes back as a ghost and tells all.” Juliet’s eyes widened, and she gave a slight shiver. “Haunted by a chocolatier. Sounds like the title to one of those cozy mysteries you read all the time.”

“They’re having a final open casket viewing tomorrow before leaving for the cemetery. There won’t be another chance. It’s not like we can snatch the recipe book out of his cold, dead hands while we pass by and pay our respects. We’re going back tonight after closing.”

“Break into a funeral home? In the dark? With dead bodies? We’re supposed to be crime stoppers, not crime committers!” Juliet’s voice rose in pitch and volume, and a few of the diners turned to look at us.

“Shush!” I whispered. “The word is criminals, not crime committers. Anyway, we’re technically not stealing anything. We’re righting a wrong. Henri would have wanted Chantal to have those recipes. If only he had given her the book before he died, but I guess he thought he had a few more good years.”

“Funeral homes are bad juju. We’ll have dead people cooties on us and that will mess up my aura.”

“It’s just dead people. There’s nothing to be afraid of, you ninny.” My sister is a firm believer in the afterlife, ghosts, and any other New Age woo woo crap that was hot for the moment.

“Why can’t Chantal do it?”

“She has to be with the family tonight. No one will ever suspect it’s us, and she’ll be in the clear. We’ll go to the viewing and get the layout. It’s a funeral home, not the Tower of London. It should be easy.”

Several hours later, I eased Velma, my ‘sixty-eight VW van, into a side street a block from the Victorian house that served as our local funeral home. We had paid our respects to the family earlier that evening. Chantal had been jumpier than a mouse at a cat show when we had shown up. When we passed through the line to pay our respects, I had given her a small thumbs up, and she seemed to relax a little.

I handed Juliet a black ski mask. I slipped mine over my head. I had bedazzled it with a cursive “L” in the middle of the forehead for librarian. Juliet’s sported a “Y” for yogi. If I was going to get arrested for body tampering, I wanted to be stylish.

Juliet rolled her eyes at the mask, but she slipped it on. I tucked a penlight into my bra and motioned for her to follow me. We crept along the wrought iron fence that surrounded the cemetery and slipped through a gap in the hedge.

When I saw the backyard was lit up like a football stadium, I stopped. Juliet plowed into the back of me. I tumbled into the grass. Rolling over, I stared up at the night stars and counted to ten.

“Oh, my goddess! Are you okay?” Juliet reached down to grab my hand.

“Yes,” I whispered. I brushed my hands off onto my pants. “Listen. Here’s the plan. I’m going to run across the lawn to the back. You count to thirty then follow me. Got it?”

Juliet gave me a thumbs up. I sprinted across the yard, then squatted down behind a large rhododendron near the back. Thirty seconds later, Juliet began to run across the yard to join me. She would have made it in record time with those long legs of hers, but when she was almost to me, a jet of water shot up from the ground and hit her in the butt. The automatic sprinklers had started. She squealed, did a pirouette, then a jig, and finally cartwheeled into a rose bush.

“Juliet!” I hissed. No response. Crap. I was going to have to rescue her.

I slid along the side of the building until I reached her. My sister had faceplanted into a teacup rosebush. She groaned and stood up. She plucked a thorny stem from her mask.

“I’m fine. Let’s just do this and get out of here.”

I tugged on a basement window. It resisted for a moment then opened. Juliet eased through the narrow space. I followed her, but my bountiful bottom decided to stop me. I was stuck between the window and the frame.

“Pull me,” I said. I reached my hand out to Juliet. She gave a mighty tug, and I popped out of the window like a champagne cork.

“Perhaps Chantal could give you some sugar-free chocolate as a reward,” Juliet said. She gave me a toothy grin.

“Perhaps we should hurry up and get out of here before we’re discovered,” I said, giving her the evil eye. “We need to find out how to get upstairs.”

I pulled the penlight out of my bra. The narrow beam provided just enough light for me to see we were in a storage area surrounded by coffins.

“This is the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen,” Juliet said. “I want to be a tree.”

“What the–a tree? What in Sam Hill are you talking about?” I demanded.

“Promise me that when I die, you won’t put me in a coffin. Have them make me into a tree or pressed into a diamond, but no coffin. Promise?”

“Fine. I’ll make you into a tree and plant you. There’s a door.” I shone the flashlight across the room. “Maybe it will lead upstairs to the viewing rooms.”

Juliet skirted past the coffins making sure not to touch them and opened the door. She slammed it shut. “Nope. Not doing it. I’m outta here.”

I reached out a hand to stop her. “What’s behind the door?”

“Dead people. I see dead people, Phee!”

I sighed. Maybe I should have asked someone else to be my sidekick. “We’re in a funeral home. They have dead people.”

I yanked the door open and glanced inside. In the middle of the floor on a metal table was Mrs. Sampson. I’d heard that she’d died. I hadn’t been saddened to hear of her passing. She was old, plus she had threatened my dog, Watson, with her cane when we were at the park the previous week. Unfortunately, her dead body lay between us and the elevator to the upstairs. I had to get Juliet to pass by her.

“Close your eyes and hold on to my hand,” I said.

“I can’t do it, Phee.”

“I’m your big sister. I promise I won’t let you get dead people cooties on you. Do you trust me?”

Juliet nodded and squeezed her eyes shut. She held her hand out, and I grabbed it.  I led her around Mrs. Sampson and hit the button for the elevator. A moment later, it groaned to a halt and the doors slid open.

“You can open your eyes. We’re going up.”

It was more like a large dumbwaiter than an elevator. I suppose it’s how they were able to get the bodies upstairs after they were prepared. When the doors opened, we were in a hallway. The Blackbird Room where Henri was laid out was to our right. I pointed to it with my chin and motioned for Juliet to follow me. Inside the room, the casket was closed.

“I can’t look,” Juliet squeaked.

“I can’t lift the lid on my own. You need to suck it up and help me. Please.” The ski mask was making me hot, so I yanked it off and tucked it into my back pocket.

We reached over and lifted the lid. Inside, Henri Rocqueville was in a three-piece gray suit with a red silk handkerchief tucked into his breast pocket. He looked the same as he had the last time I had seen him in the library. I always thought he was the most well-dressed man in town. I looked down. Clasped in his hand was a small leather book.

“There’s the recipe book,” Juliet whispered. “Did you remember to bring the fake one?”

I reached into my bra and pulled it out. “Of course.”

“What the heck do you have in that bra of yours? My goddess, it’s like a clown car. Things just keep popping out.”

“Ha ha. You’re jealous because you don’t have my voluptuous body. Grab the book.”

“No. Not just no, but hell no. I’m not touching anything in this coffin.”

I pushed her out of the way, grabbed the book, and tucked it into my bra. I was opening his fingers to place the new book into his hands when the lights came on.

“Hands up or I’ll shoot!”

Juliet screamed and collapsed in a faint. I held my hands up and turned around to see old Mrs. Nash standing in a white nightgown in the doorway, a shotgun in her hand.

“Hi, Mrs. Nash. Would you believe me if I said we just wanted to pay our respects?”

“Ophelia Jefferson?” She squinted at me. “Is that you? What in the world are you doing in here in the middle of the night? Is that Juliet passed out on the floor?”

“Yes, ma’am. I can explain.” I put my hands down as she lowered the shotgun.

“Hell’s bells, girl. If you’re standing over Henri’s body, I know it has something to do with the screaming match I heard between that tight ass Carl Shockley and Chantal. I’m better off not knowing. Get some water and toss it on that sister of yours to wake her up.” Mrs. Nash indicated the water cooler that was in the hallway. I did as she instructed. I yanked off Juliet’s ski mask and dowsed her. She sputtered and sat up.

“Am I dead? What happened?”

“You’re not dead. It’s Mrs. Nash.”

Juliet stood up with a sheepish look. “I thought you were a ghost in that white nightgown.”

“Shucks. I still have a few good years left. I sometimes sleep in one of the empty coffins. Ed snores so loud it shakes the entire house. I have to leave and come next door to get any rest,” Mrs. Nash said.

“Are you going to call the police?” I asked her.

She stared at me long and hard. I tried my best to look wholesome and innocent. “I tell you what. I don’t know what you two are up to, but I’ve heard rumors about Carl and how he treats that stepdaughter of his. I also know that Henri thought the world of his niece. I’m guessing you two creeping around here in the dead of night has something to do with Chantal.”

“It does. We’re just trying to do right by Henri and Chantal,” I said.

Mrs. Nash held up her hand to stop me. “If you don’t tell me anything, I won’t have to lie.” She yawned. “I’m awfully tired, so I think I’ll go back to bed. You girls make sure you lock that back door when you finish.”

With a wink and a smile, Mrs. Nash walked away with the shotgun slung over her shoulder. Juliet slumped against me. I reached over and gave her a hug. “Come on. Let me put this book in his hand, and we can get out of here before anything else happens.”

Ten minutes later, we were back in my van. I leaned my head against the seat and let out a laugh.

“What?” Juliet demanded.

“Mrs. Nash sleeps in a coffin. That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Juliet grinned. “No crazier than a librarian breaking into a funeral home in the middle of the night. Let’s go home.”

Juliet was right. I fired up the van and headed towards home.

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My hands are old. As I stick my hand in the hot water to wash the fragile wool fleece, my hands blur under the water, and for just a moment, I am young again. The illusion quickly fades when I pull my soap-covered hands from the water and dry them. Craft is aging them, but I’m glad. In a world that caters to the young, fresh, and instant, old hands earned through craft have value.

A friend commented that she doesn’t understand my love of washing, combing, and spinning fleece into beautiful yarns. “You can just go to the craft store and buy it,” she said.

She’s right, but she’s also wrong. As the fiber slips through my fingers and winds onto the bobbin, it forms a connection to the past. I create the same motions and feel the rhythm of the pedals like generations of women before me. Women who had to craft in order to clothe their families. Women who felt the mean pinch of winter on their skin when they walked out to the barn to feed their flock of sheep but knew the importance of keeping their animals alive – for food, for clothing, and for love.

So I’ll take these hands and know that while I don’t face hardships like those who crafted before me, I can honor them. I can maintain the link to the past and those artisans whose hands are old like mine.

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Bad Bayou Business: A Phee & Juliet Short Story

“I can’t believe you lost the body.”

“Keep your voice down,” I said. “First of all, it’s not a body. It’s cremains. And for your information, I didn’t lose them. They were stolen.”

“Lost. Stolen. Tomato. Tomahto. It doesn’t matter, Phee,” Juliet said. “Nellie asked us for one favor, help her spread Mike’s ashes in the bayou, and we messed it up. We have to get those ashes back before she finds out.”

I poked at the limp green leaves on my plate. The grease-splattered menu had touted it as a Gator Caesar Salad. It may have been alligator, or it may have been chicken, but it was making my stomach roll from the oil sliding off the deep-fried chunks of meat and pooling on the brown-tinged lettuce leaves.

“The last thing I remember was sitting down at the wake next to Tucker and his wife, Carla Ann. She was telling me some story about how Mike was related to some famous Louisiana politician through his grandmother’s cousin’s mother. I must have dozed off.  When I woke up, the urn was gone, and everyone had already left to go to the Shakin’ Bacon.”

“I think you were drugged.”

I rolled my eyes. Juliet and her farfetched scenarios. “Doubtful. I was exhausted from the drive. Carla Ann droned on and on about who was related to this second cousin or that uncle, and I fell asleep. Now we need to track down who snatched the urn. Maybe they simply moved it to a safe place.”

“We need to return to the scene of the crime,” Juliet said. She bit into her hamburger then licked a smear of ketchup from the corner of her lip.

I eyed her lunch. It sure did look a heck of a lot tastier than mine. I snatched a french fry from her plate. Pointing it at her, I said, “Fine, but you can distract Tucker while I chit chat with Carla Ann and look around the house. He seemed particularly fascinated with your derriere when you bent over to pick up your keys.”

“It is one of my finer assets.”

I tossed the fry down and ate my salad. Unfortunately, my rear wasn’t my best feature. I inherited the brains, and Juliet received the beauty. Not that I was a beast, but my love of dark chocolate and good wine had made me suck in my belly this morning to button my pants.

After I called it quits on my salad, I called Nellie’s phone. It went straight to voicemail. Cell service was spotty in the bayou. She was probably swapping Mike stories down at the Shakin’ Bacon and would meet us back at the motel later.

Juliet and I drove the fifteen miles back to Mike’s hometown. It wasn’t so much a town as an old gas station housed in a dilapidated shotgun shack with white paint that was now a distant memory. A couple of trailers perched on their cinderblock foundations nearby. One of them listed dangerously to the left. Vines and moss replaced the paint on their metal sides, rusty streaks leaked down between the growth. Two miles later, cracked asphalt gave way to gravel. I turned down a weed-choked dirt road that led to Tucker and Carla Ann’s double wide. I remarked how Mike, from these humble backwoods, had reinvented himself as the pickle king.

“Mike’s deal with the Cajun mafia must have given him his start in pickles,” Juliet said. “Otherwise, he and Nellie Jo would probably still be living here with a passel of children and nothing to show for it. I’m surprised she even wanted to bring his ashes back to Louisiana. If my own family had bumped me off, I would want my cremains spread on the other side of the country.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I keep you alive for your scintillating insights into human nature and bad seventies cop lingo, little sister. Anyway, that was Mike’s daddy’s family. This is the Hebert side, his mama’s family. From what Nellie said, they are all God-fearing folks that don’t dabble in crime. I’m sure someone simply put the ashes somewhere in the house thinking they would get knocked over at the wake.”

I parked the car under a cypress. Tucker’s red Chevy pickup was under the carport. I knocked lightly on the front door. A moment later, I knocked harder. “I don’t think anyone’s home. We’ll have to come back tomorrow.”

Juliet nudged me out of the way. She pulled a credit card out of her wallet and slipped it between the metal door and its frame. She jiggled the handle, and it popped open. “Told you watching cop shows would pay off. As much as I enjoy male appreciation of my many charms, I prefer not to come back here. I want to scatter Mike’s ashes and head back to Miller’s Cove. The humidity is murder on my hair.”

She slipped into the dark trailer. I hesitated, but the mosquito that buzzed near my nose finished my internal dilemma for me. I followed her inside.

The casseroles and cakes from earlier had been cleared from the counters. I checked in the cupboards and even peeked into the fridge. No urn. I was about to follow Juliet down the hallway to scour the bedrooms when I heard a muffled thump.

“What the–” Juliet grabbed my arm. “It’s a gator coming to eat us. Phee, I’m too young to die by reptile.”

The thump sounded again followed by a faint cry. I hesitated, listened again, and when a third thump sounded, I walked over to the coat closet and yanked it open. Nellie sat trussed up like a Sunday chicken, a red bandanna stuffed in her mouth.

“Nellie!” I pulled the rag from her mouth and dropped down to untie her. “What in the world is going on?”

“They’re crazy, Phee! Plum crazy. Untie me. I gotta go get Mike and get the hell out of this swamp.” Nellie stood up and cocked her head left to right to work out the kinks from being stuffed into the small closet.

“Mike’s dead,” Juliet said, taking a tentative step towards her, hand outstretched.

“Hell’s bells, Jul, I know that. I ain’t got time to waste. Follow me.” Nellie yanked open the door and bounded down the metal front steps. Baffled, Juliet and I trotted behind her. “Pop the trunk.”

I pushed the button on the car remote. Nellie rummaged around in her suitcase. A moment later, she reappeared, a gun in her hand.

“Whoa! What in Sam Hill are you doing with a gun in the car?” I backed away from her and edged a little closer to Juliet. Maybe Mike’s death had finally unhinged Nellie. Grief does strange things to people.

“Protection. If I learned one thing from Mike’s murder, it’s that a gal can never be too careful. You two stay behind me. I’m going to get Mike’s ashes back.”

Nellie charged towards the back of the trailer, a dangerous smile on her face. I wanted to call the police, but when I pulled my cell phone from my back pocket, it showed no service. Dang it. I jogged to catch up, Juliet on my heels.

I caught a flash of Nellie’s blue shirt as she slipped through the kudzu. It was getting dark, and I wanted to stop her and get back to town before nightfall. Whatever feud she had with Mike’s family could wait until morning. “Nellie, wait up!”

I fought my way through the thicket of brambles and branches. I tripped over a vine that I swear moved on its own. I held my cell phone up as a flashlight and stumbled after Nellie.

“Shush,” Nellie hissed. She had stopped on the edge of a clearing. I crept up beside her.

Juliet clutched my hand. “Phee, what’s going on?”

In the clearing, a fire burned in a metal barrel. A cast iron pan rested on a makeshift grate and overturned plastic crates served as chairs. I squinted through the smoke and spotted a couple of people, I’d met earlier at the wake. Off to the left of the burn barrel, Carla Ann sat with a silver urn clutched to her chest.

“My sister-in-law has got a screw loose in her tiny pin head is what’s going on,” Nellie whispered. “She started rambling about summoning something to seek revenge against the other side of the family. It all got a little hazy after I drank a sip of her punch.”

“Told you it was drugged.” Juliet gave me a smug smile. “It’s a good thing I had to take Rosie for a walk and get her kibble, otherwise, we would have all been up the bayou without a pole. Saved by a seven-pound chihuahua with a weak bladder.”

“Now’s not the time, Juliet,” I said. “Why did they steal Mike’s ashes?”

“Near as I can tell, Carla Ann joined some new religion. If you ask me, it sounds like she’s mixing her hoodoo with her holy gospel. Like I said, she’s crazy. I came to in the closet and overheard her telling Tucker that she’s going to bind Mike’s ashes into some charm that will cause whoever wears it to have horrible luck.”

“Like a reverse rabbit’s foot?” Juliet asked.  

“Kind of. It’s all a bunch of hogwash, but you can’t tell Carla Ann that. She was as close to Mike as a tick on a coon hound’s ear. She blames her daddy’s side for the bad blood, and she aims to get vengeance. She’s going to give the charm to Eddie Johnson’s mama, Connie. She’s like the mafia godmother now that everyone else is in jail.”

“Couldn’t we just leave the ashes here? I mean, it’s not like they’re actually Mike anymore,” Juliet said.

“I am not leaving my man in that cuckoo woman’s clutches,” Nellie said, her jaw tightening. “You’re either with me, or you can head on back to the car and wait. Anything happens, Phee, I want you to take Rosie. I know you’ll give her a good home.”

I closed my eyes. I should have listened to Clint when he said it was a bad idea to head to the swamps of Louisiana. Nellie was my friend though, and she needed me. I squelched down my nerves and gave her a nod. “I’m in. What do you need?”

“Crap. I’m in, too.” Juliet grimaced at me.

“I need a distraction. I need to keep her from dumping Mike into that pan. Once she’s dumped him, he’ll be like dust in the wind. I aim to spread his ashes in the swamp by our first trailer like he would have wanted even if it kills me.”

I spotted a shotgun leaning against one of the milkcrates. If this went south, we could all end up dead in the swamp. Before I could express my concerns, Juliet sauntered out from our hiding place and towards the burn barrel and Carla Ann.

“Yoohoo.” Juliet waggled her fingers at one of the men sitting on a crate, a six-pack of beer tucked between his feet.

He pushed back his baseball cap and spat on the ground next to him. “Who are you?”

“I’m Nellie’s friend. I came to pick her up and got a little lost. Do you know where she is?” Juliet dropped her purse. Its contents spilled across the ground. “Oh! I’m just the clumsiest thing.”

I cringed as my sister giggled like a school girl. She turned her back to the man and bent over to retrieve her belongings. The man’s grizzled eyebrows shot up to his hairline. He jumped up to help her.

Nellie tugged at my shirt. “Come on.” She slipped out of the cover of the woods and skirted around the edge, keeping to the shadows. I tiptoed after her.

“Stop,” Carla Ann said.

I froze in mid-step. Carla Ann walked over to Juliet and the man. She wasn’t holding the urn.

“Claude, roll your tongue back into your mouth and sit down.” She turned to Juliet. “Juliet, isn’t it? Nellie ain’t here, and this is a family only meeting. Head on back to town and when I see her, I’ll let her know you was looking for her.”

I eased my way towards Nellie. She was within a few feet of where Mike’s ashes rested. She reached out. A loud crack shot through the dark. For a moment, I thought I was shot, but I realized I had stepped on a large twig and snapped it in two. I felt everyone’s eyes turn towards me.

“Grab her!” Carla Ann ran towards the urn. Nellie leapt forward and tackled her before she could reach it. Carla Ann’s chin smacked the dirt as Nellie hurled her to the ground, her gun flying across ground.

I looked around for a moment before realizing all the men were transfixed by two women wrestling in the dirt. I ran and snatched up Mike and the gun. I held the gun up in the air and fired.

Everything stopped. Even the bugs stopped buzzing. A moment later, chaos began. Nellie jumped up and ran towards me. Juliet grabbed her purse and whacked the ballcapped man in the head. I leapt over the crate and crashed through the woods, Carla Ann screeching after me.

I ran as fast as my short legs could carry me through the brambles and vines that reached out and snared my clothes and hair. I had no clue where I was running. I offered up a silent prayer to Juliet’s many spirit guides to point me in the direction of the rental car.

I broke through a particularly sharp and painful batch of saw grass and felt my foot sink and slide in the marsh. The gun slipped out of my hand and into the dark water. I stopped and glanced around for someplace to hide until Carla Ann gave up and went back to her swamp crew. The moon was peeping through the trees, and I saw what I hoped was a log moving through the swamp water towards me.

“Give me back my brother!” Carla Ann yelled. She charged towards me, Juliet and Nellie close behind her.

I had nowhere to go. The saw grass would cut through my thin shirt and leave me marked for life. The water was full of critters that I had no desire to befriend. I grabbed the lid of the urn.

“You come one step closer and I will dump Mike into the bayou!”

“Listen, you frizzy-headed harlot, you give me those ashes.” Carla Ann slowed her large frame to a walk. Her face was an unhealthy shade of violet and her gray hair had escaped its tight bun.

“Ta ta ta,” I said and wagged my finger at her. “Name calling will not help your cause, lady. Neither will the fact that you drugged me. These ashes belong to Nellie. She was his wife.”

“She ain’t got Hebert blood. I promised Mama when she died that I would take care of my baby brother. I can’t do nothing about the Johnson blood that runs through my veins, but I can darn sure make sure that the rest of those crooks pay for what they did to my Mikey. Now, I’m done playing. Give me that damn urn!”

Carla Ann may have slowed, but she wasn’t stopping. A few more feet, and she would be close enough to grab the urn. I unscrewed the top. I held the urn over the swamp.

“Do it, Phee,” Nellie said. “Juliet was right. Mike’s gone. Fighting with family and seeking revenge might be the Hebert way, but it isn’t the Nellie Jo Johnson way. Dump him. He’ll understand.”

“Shut your mouth, Nellie. The biggest mistake Mike ever made was marrying you and moving away to Virginia. He should have married Shirley and stayed here.” Carla Ann took another step towards me. “I’m done playing. Give me those ashes.”

I took a second to consider my options. Nellie gave me a teary-eyed nod. I threw the urn as hard as I could into the swamp. Carla Ann screamed and ran towards me. I jumped out of her way and landed face down in a muddy patch of weeds, a blade of saw grass scratching the tip of my nose. My wrist bone crunched painfully beneath me.

Nellie yanked Carla Ann by the arm. “You are crazier than a rabid muskrat. You need to get your butt back into the church pew and get yourself straight. Messin’ with that mumbo jumbo hoodoo. You’re lucky nobody got hurt. You ruined a perfectly good wake and messed up my ash scattering.”

“You’re nothing but a no good Jezebel–”

Nellie pushed her into the swamp. A loud splash muffled the rest of her swearing. “Bye, Carla Ann. Feel free to cross me off the Christmas card list.”

Juliet reached down and gently helped me up. My wrist throbbed. “I think now would be a good time to head back to the car.”

“I have no clue which way it is.” I looked down at my mud-covered shirt. “I don’t think this qualifies as a mud bath treatment.”

“I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to get the heck out of here. I grew up in these swamps, so I can get us back to the car,” Nellie said.

“I’m sorry about Mike’s ashes, Nellie.” I limped over to her and gave her a muddy hug with my good arm.

She patted me on my shoulder. “It’s okay. I think he would have liked having all these women fight over him.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I would rather solve a murder than ever deal with your in-laws again.”

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Phee and Juliet are back!

I put Phee and Juliet on the shelf for the past several months while I dealt with some health issues. One surgery later, and I’m on the road to recovery and back to writing! I’m excited to say that Phee and Juliet will be working on a cold case as they plan for Juliet’s upcoming nuptials. I’ll post a preview of the first chapter this weekend. Thanks for your patience and understanding on the delay writing Catalogued for Catastrophe.

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Browsing for Trouble paperback

Initially, I planned to release the latest Phee adventure only in ebook format. Due to popular demand (and protests from some of my avid readers who hate using a Kindle), I’m pleased to announce that the paperback version will be available later this week!  I’m reviewing the proof copy and once I give the thumbs up, it will be available for purchase.

The next book in the series, Cataloged Under Catastrophe, is slated for an early fall release. I can’t wait to see what happens at Juliet’s wedding and see if Lu changes her mind about including Anthony in her life!

 529 total views,  1 views today

NYC Midnight Short Story Challenge 2017

It seems I’m destined to write horror for my challenges with NYC Midnight. My draw on this year’s challenge was horror, substitute teacher and surprise party. I think my short story successfully met each requirement. What do you think?



“Daddy said Mommy’s head was broken like an egg,” Chelsea said to Amanda. “I tried to wake her up to fix me breakfast, but she just laid there. Now she’s gone, and I don’t have anyone to play with at home.”

“Chelsea. Amanda. It’s time to finish your lunch and put up your tray.”

“Yes, Miss Presley,” the girls said in singsong voices causing goosebumps to appear on my arms.

The two girls stood up and pushed in their chairs. Grabbing their trays, they marched together to dump the remains of their lunch. Their small, blonde heads leaned together as they shared secrets that only other seven-year-olds could know. Chelsea glanced over her shoulder at me and gave me a smile.

It was the end of my first week as a long-term substitute teacher at Mount Holy Cross Catholic School for Girls. Chelsea Pickerall had been my biggest challenge in the classroom. She was sneaky, and I knew she was the kid who had filled my pencil holder with glue. The first grade teacher, Roberta Newsome, told me that Chelsea’s mother had died the previous year, so I knew it was probably normal behavior. Chelsea was processing her mother’s death and acting out. I was a sub though, not a trained psychiatrist. Stuff like this was way above my substitute teacher’s pay grade.

I needed cash, so no matter how much grief these little girls gave me, I had to stick it out until I had enough money to move out of the basement room I rented. Gary, the guy who owned the house, didn’t understand the concept of boundaries and personal space. Two weeks ago, I had caught him rifling through my panty drawer. He had claimed he had spotted a mouse running into my room and was trying to catch it, but I had my doubts. I needed to move before I ended up down in a hole as Gary lowered lotion in a bucket to me.

When I got home that afternoon, Gary the Perv was still at work. I had a surprise party to attend that evening, so I kicked off my sensible shoes and shucked off my kid-friendly, boring brown pants and white blouse. I planned to meet my friend Angie for drinks at her apartment before heading to the party. I wanted to be long gone before my roomie came home.  I showered then slipped into a shimmery black dress. I paired it with some black strappy sandals with heels so high I could almost touch the angels.

I thought I was home-free as I closed my bedroom door behind me and started up the basement steps, but just like most of my life, I was the unluckiest girl in a town full of leprechauns and four-leaf clovers. Gary the Perv stood at the top of the steps, a huge grin on his face.

“You’re looking mighty fine tonight, Morgan. Hot date?” His gray, lizard-like tongue flicked across his chapped lips. His watery pale blue gaze crawled up my legs and took up residence at my cleavage.

“Something like that.” I tried to push past him, but his bulging belly blocked my passage to freedom.

“Stay and have a drink with me before you go. Surely, you can spare a few minutes. I’ve got some cold PBRs in the fridge. A cold beer might cool down some of your hotness.” He smoothed his thinning gray ponytail with his grease-covered hand and wiggled one eyebrow at me.

“Uh, no thanks. I’m running late. Maybe next time.” With a final push, I squeezed past his bulk and practically ran through the living room and out the front door.

“I could give you a night you’d never forget,” Gary called after me.

I slid into the front seat of my trusty old Volvo and fired up the engine. If I could have spun tires getting away from there, I would have, but I contented myself with a small backfire as I sped away.

“You could stay here with me,” Angie said as she poured me another glass of red wine as I related the latest bout with Gary.

“Nah. Your apartment’s so small you have to stick your leg out the bathroom window just to shave it. I value our friendship too much to make you share a space with me and my habits.” I took a sip of wine. “I’ve got to get a better job than substitute teaching. There’s the weirdest little girl in my class. I should feel sorry for her because her mom died, but she gives me the willies. Little girls are so creepy.”

“For tonight, forget about Gary and scary kids and just focus on fun. The house where this party is being held is a mansion. The guy that owns it does something with stocks. I’m not really sure, and I don’t really care. I plan to eat, drink and pick up a handsome man and let him have his way with me,” Angie said. She clinked her wine glass against mine. “You in?”

“Most definitely.” I gulped down the remains of my wine. “Let’s get this party started. Whoop whoop!”

An hour later, the taxi was pulling up to the biggest old house I’d ever seen outside of the movies. There were two cars parked out front, but the house didn’t look like it was lit up for a party. “Who did you say this surprise party was for?” I asked Angie.

“Oh, some friend of a friend. Who cares? We’re here to get our drink on and have some fun. Life is too short to sweat the details, Morgan. You really do need to lighten up and live a little. Come on!” She climbed out of the back of the taxi and handed the driver a twenty. “Keep the change.”

I followed behind her as she sashayed her way up the steps to the front door. Angie and I had only been friends for the past few months, but we’d clicked when we met at the nail salon where she worked. She was the ultimate party girl and exactly what I needed after my last relationship crashed and burned so badly I had to leave town and move here to Lawrenceville. Angie opened the front door of the house.

“Ang! Shouldn’t you knock?” I asked.

“It’s a party. Quit being such a stick.” She walked in and left me standing outside on the steps. I hesitated. My mother would have killed me walking into someone’s home unannounced. Mama wasn’t here though. She had died three years ago leaving me with a mountain of debt as my only inheritance. Shaking my head at Angie’s boldness, I walked up the steps. As I stepped into the house, the door slammed shut behind me. Startled, I jumped. A breeze had been stirring the leaves in the trees outside. It had probably caught the door and slammed it shut.

I looked around the entry hall. A few candles set on a long table flickered and cast shadows that danced across the pale walls. A center staircase led to a darkened upstairs floor. Where in the hell was Angie?

“Hello? Where is everyone?” My voice echoed. Maybe they were in a room somewhere else in the house and couldn’t hear me. I walked towards the first closed doorway. Opening it, I peered inside. Bookshelves lined the walls from floor to ceiling. In the center of the floor was a zebra skin rug with what looked to be a stone altar in the center of it. I moved into the room to get a closer look. I laid my hands on the cool grey stone. It hummed beneath my touch. I snatched my hands back.  Peering at the shelves, I noticed that the titles were mostly in Latin or Greek. I wished I’d paid more attention to the nuns as a child. I pulled one of the books off the shelf. It was bound in pale leather. The title, Oera Linda, was embossed in a dark reddish-brown font across the front. The hairs at the nape of my neck stood on end as my fingertips traced the title. I heard a sound behind me and quickly shoved the book back onto the shelf.

“Hi, Miss Presley,” a small voice said behind me.

Turning, I saw Chelsea standing in the doorway. “Why hello, Chelsea. Is this your house?”

“Uh huh. Me and my Daddy’s.” Her wide blue eyes stared at me, unblinking. “What are you doing here, Miss Presley? Did you come to play with me?”

“Um. Not tonight. My friend brought me here for a party. Do you know where everyone is?” I wanted to get out of this room and away from Chelsea. The last thing I wanted to do was spend more time with her after the hell week I endured with her in my classroom.

“Yeah, but I’m not going to tell you.” Chelsea gave me an odd little smile. “If you come to my room and have a tea party with me, then I might tell you where they are.”

Screw this! I thought. I’ve had enough of this kid. I walked up to Chelsea and grabbed her arm. “Where is everybody?” I barked.

Chelsea leaned down and bit my hand. Startled, I released her arm and stepped back in shock. A perfect ring of tooth marks marred my hand “What the–?”

“Miss Presley, come play with me. If you don’t, I’ll tell Daddy that you touched me. He’ll get very angry like he did with Mommy.” She turned and started to leave the room. She looked over her shoulder and smiled. “Come play with me.”

Fuck my life, I thought. Angie will come rescue me from this little terror, and then I’m out of here.  I followed Chelsea as she led me out of the library and up the dark stairs to the second floor. I could barely see to walk. If not for the candles flickering in wall sconces and reflecting off Chelsea’s pale hair, I would have gotten lost. The house was huge. The twists and turns down the dark hallway and up another flight of stairs made it seem labyrinthian.  Finally, Chelsea opened a door at the top of a final flight of stairs and as she did, light cascaded down. I practically dashed up the last few steps in my eagerness to leave the darkness behind me. The room Chelsea brought me to was wallpapered in a dusty pink flowered pattern with white stripes. A small canopy bed occupied the center of the room, and numerous dolls and stuffed animals littered the floor. I practically collapsed in relief at the normalcy of the scene in front of me.

“Come try some of my special honey tea,” Chelsea commanded. She sat primly at a small pink and white table, a doll clutched tightly to her chest.

“Okay,” I said. Anything to stay in this light-filled room and out of the dark recesses of the rest of the house. Surely Angie would come looking for me soon. After all, it was her idea to get me to come to this party.  I folded my adult frame into the child-sized chair and watched Chelsea pour tea from a petite teapot painted with dancing bunnies. When she was done pouring, I picked up the teacup and pretended to take a sip.

“That’s cheating, Miss Presley. You have to really drink the tea, or I won’t tell you where the party is.”

I rolled my eyes at this mini-dictator holding a doll and drank the entire cup of tea down in one gulp. It was surprisingly good. “Yummy,” I said in a saccharine sweet voice. “Where is everyone, Chelsea? A deal’s a deal.”

“You suck,” Chelsea pouted. “I want someone to play with me. I’m lonely since Mommy left. You need to stay here with me forever.” She slammed the teapot down on the table causing brown liquid to splash out of the spout.

My head started to pound. I tried to stand up and leave, but my legs suddenly felt like two sacks filled with concrete. I looked at Chelsea. Her petite features seemed to melt together into a pale blur. Her small, gray tongue flicked out across her chapped pink lips. “Don’t you want some more tea to cool down some of that hotness, Miss Presley?” Her tiny voice echoed Gary the Perv’s earlier words. She giggled.

I grabbed the small table and hauled my body up from the tiny chair. My lids felt too large and heavy for my eyes, and I struggled to hold them open. “Where’s Angie? Where’s my friend? What did you do, Chelsea?” My tongue thickened and tripped over the words as they left my mouth.

“She’s right behind you, Miss Presley. Angie’s my daddy’s new friend, but she doesn’t like to play with me.” Chelsea pointed behind me. “Daddy said I need to have my own friends.”

I slowly turned my head to see Angie standing behind me, her body wrapped tightly around a dark-haired man. One breast hung out of her dress as his large hand pinched the nipple. She arched her back in pleasure, then she moved her face close to mine. “Surprise!” Angie trilled. Her teeth were large and sharp in her red mouth as she laughed.

“What are you–”

“What am I doing?” Angie finished. “Poor Morgie Porgie. You really are a sad sack, aren’t you? It’s simple. You don’t appreciate the life you have. Whine, whine, whine. Your job sucks. Your place sucks. Face it, Morgan. Your life is one big suck festival. Chelsea needs a new playmate. Ding ding ding! You won playmate of the year. Sorry it’s not the kind that gets you a cool car and bunny ears.”

“She’s a little girl, she doesn’t–”

The room filled with laughter, the sound booming in my ears so loudly my skull seemed to crack from the sheer volume of it. I couldn’t hold my eyes open much longer. I stumbled away from Angie. My heel caught on one of the dolls, and I slammed to the floor. Before I sank into darkness, I saw Chelsea creep slowly towards my leg as her mouth widened and her tongue licked my ankle.

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